MitziBitzySpyder

2012-01-12T18:22:00.001-08:00

"If your mom all of a sudden shows up and brings a bag of M and M's from the States then asks you to go live with her, would you go?" This is my relatives' annual, favorite question during our family reunions when I was a little girl. I think Eulogies make good birthday gifts...and on my grandpa's birthday, on this day that he can hear and see and feel, I wanted him to know that no amount of M and M's and sweets and snow can replace what life has been growing up with him and grandma. I will not have it any other way.

I am grateful that grandpa showed me that selflessness is the key to happiness. That you do not become less by giving your time and effort to the people you love but you become more because you give a gift that keeps on giving. And at the end of the day, the sacrifice is all worth it.

I am grateful that grandpa has taught me that family is all about acceptance. God, how we all screwed up...but we always take each other back. We always forgive and forget and eat and pass each other food and laugh as if nothing happened.

I am grateful that grandpa was too hard on me, that I was his go-to person and errands girl because what I do will never be enough to repay everything he has done for us. That this pressure is a privilege and is the reason why I am where I am now.

I am grateful that grandpa taught us to live a decent life through hard work. Do not sleep till noon, plant something, water something, sweep something, save your money. To never step on anyone's foot, to live simply.

I am grateful that grandpa has shown us kindness, love and sacrifice that has filled
that empty space and made us normal, happy children. And as adults, keeps me grounded and inspired every single day.

I am grateful that I am my grandpa's granddaughter. Life is fair.

Mediocrity at its Finest

2012-01-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

1. Write more often. There is no such thing as writer's block nor waiting for some motivation. Get on that bike. Write anything and do a quarterly audit ;)

2. Sketch more

3. One book every two months. That goes without saying setting more realistic expectations for myself and even more realistic expectations of people.

4. Spend time and effort on important things with long term effects. Not doing unimportant things at all. Learning to say no

5. Talk to my friends more often

6. Learn something new. The candidates: French level 2, piano, violin. No MBA this year , thanks to my mortgage.

7. Explore Salcedo before we move out - Picasso, Rue Bourbon, Chocolate Fire, drink at 121 Grill, Bowler, La Cuisine Francais and those other restos in my area that I do not go to because of my stinginess. THE GOOSE STATION before I forget :)

8. One artsy fartsy movie per week. Watch Firefly.

9. Grow my hair long and have it digipermed. I have been sporting the no-maintenance look for 27 years. Might also use my heels more often. Life is short, look nice.

10. Bali

11. Spend more time with grandpa

12. I will not write stretch and work out for 30 mins thrice a week. No I won't.

13. The rest - keep it as it is - working hard, filtering, self-preservation, my already established formula for happiness and love.

2011-12-18T12:28:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to be self-centered, inconsiderate and outspoken. Maybe if I was all that for just one day, I would stop having this perception that the world owes me some sort of a bonus or that expectation that everyone else around me is supposed to be selfless, considerate and tolerant. But that's like expecting a bull to not charge you because you're a vegetarian. Not fair

2011-12-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

Never give up on love, it's the only thing that works - Tony Bennett.

27.5

2011-12-11T18:10:00.000-08:00

You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books.

2011-08-11T17:04:00.001-07:00

The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day. -- David Foster Wallace

2011-07-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

Crayons

2011-06-19T13:06:00.001-07:00

I am not sure which part of life it is when you have it all figured out. Maybe after 40, maybe never. Does the comfort of an old rocking chair make you at peace with evolution or at peace with death, life after death or cowboys and aliens. I see my grandfather on the porch each morning for hours staring at the grass and the sky and I am curious to know if he is at a constant state of retrospect. Old people talk in retrospect all the time , they talk about the war, their lasting friendships, the hard kind of life, the things they never needed. They hardly ask.

Generations had lived and died before us and probably ALL possible problems known to man have occurred -- from the trivial like removing ketchup stains from your shirt, the different types of knots, making the perfect mix tape or the most complex like balancing equations or balancing your head and your heart. Everything has happened. Every solution written somewhere, a phone call to mom, a google away.

But it's not about knowing what the answer is, most of the time we already know – from the VCR manual, simple inner discernment or good ol’ plain common sense. We know. It's knowing that the choice is wrong but we do it anyway so we experience and live through what happens, to see, to feel, to get burned and to heal again. The greatest story you will ever tell is that gash on your leg on your first attempt to ride a bike. That you wore braces because your brother threw an orange at you and lost a canine. That life is not easy and I know it.

The juice, the goo, the meat of life is in the bridge between questions and answers. The crucial moment when you were seven and you had to decide if the apple will be colored red or green. The stop and go.

2011-06-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

2011-06-02T22:10:00.000-07:00

2011-06-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

Today I am reminding myself that self-centeredness is the root of unhappiness. I get tired hearing the voice inside my head saying ME more often than usual. Loving and giving find its way back.
I commit to visit that juvy house on Monday to submit my letter of intent...as a juvy :)
To care more. Again.

Hubble

2009-09-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

My grade school teacher made the best simile of the earth's place in the universe: Get a handful of sand, that is the Milky Way, one speck is the Earth...and the other handfuls in that entire stretch of shore are galaxies.
Lesson learned: I'm so small.

Keep the good old fashioned love letters in a box and keep them coming. Nothing could ever replace that. When I'm old, my fingers would probably be too stiff to revisit my blog or email. A letter is only folded thrice. Growing old is a series of bittersweet looking back and moving on. And now, I guess, the easiest, sweetest way to survive all that is to grow old with the person who's scared to go through all that without you.
Lesson learned: Let's write each other more letters, I'd like that

We recall the loved ones we have lost and the ways they were taken from us. Love takes hostages. You lose the people you care about in the most unexpected ways and nothing is ever the same. I miss my grandma, it's been 13 years now but the feeling never changed.
Lesson learned: Tomorrow is never a promise.

I am taking a break today to celebrate today and celebrate the people I have and have lost. The life that I have and will lose. That it is OK to say that I am nothing and I am totally fine with it.

Piano Man

2009-07-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

You just know he's had the same line up for quite some time now, probably updated every now and then to keep up with the trends. Maybe dig through some old forty-five's that some starlet revived, there are no shortcuts dear. Praying that his fingers stay fluid long enough and that he plays these hours at this place because he wants to. Thank you for decorating our dinner and every dinner that has opened and closed those doors. Keep the music playing.
Playing my ipod, not paying attention to the name of the station where I would get off. A choice as simple as left or right could make or break you. Confused, I asked the lady by the bench. Probably ridiculed, she chuckled. She could have just said it.
She could have just said it. It's a round table and you had your turn. I do not understand why being upfront is so hard to do for a lot of us.
A lot of us, probably restless by now. Thinking where, what to wear, with who, how. Friday is not really a work day but a day to preoccupy your head with weekend thoughts. A day to wish your life away.
Away we take off the minute I'm out of the office. No time is ever wasted and this time you are wishing for your life back, for time to be more kind by being slow, oh how we confuse God. I am getting my camera back today. The pixels are the pieces of the puzzle of this one big great adventure called life with you.

Cracked.com-worthy

2009-07-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

Finally came to fully understand what they all meant when they all said "You deserve better"

Came so gradually, unnoticed so to speak like the path through your veins, straight to your heart and before you know it you're not the same. Something so ordinary at the overture, still ordinary from the outside looking in.

Perhaps happiness is relative because it is a personal experience. No one could ever describe what happy means nor feels. Like the sun on my face which could have just passed you by. The warmth is mine.

This is built with everything I thought was long gone. I am normal. No stacks of batteries for the alarm clock, no good movies missed, lesser meals skipped, no smokes. No longer looking forward to a Sat night thing, where everyone is just there, with all intentions imaginable, vague, exciting because of the unknowns but either makes you or breaks you when daylight breaks.

This is built with the honesty and candor that could have been taken against me but not at all. I could wear my scars without shame and we leave them all behind. The taming without being conquered and I am whole. No, not again, but for the very first time.

I now look forward to everything that is certain. I know you're there waiting, for the 5 minute that is actually longer, as you might have already expected. Smarter than me in a lot of ways which I both love and hate. Not failing to forget my unexplainable hate for umbrellas.

Goals have an endpoint now and somehow, they all lead to how we want to feel for the rest of our days, just like this: uncomplicated, giving, level-headed, content. Never tried a single instance because we both know who we really are, and the things that matter.

We shall take more pictures, go to places, the zoo, toy stores, your place, my place..our..Then we're sick then we're well. We work, we talk like kids, buy books for each other, we drive, snooze, hold hands, meet friends, drink, wake and see you and WE LOVE.

A spade's a spade

2009-03-01T00:26:00.000-08:00

I masterfully split my hair to put on the new purple barettes I bought last Friday. You can never go wrong with Strawberry Chapsticks. We'll meet by the five-bleacher space at 4:00 pm near the choir. No confirmation needed, he's there 10 mins earlier at the rendezvous.

A slow, shy meal at Jollibee follows and we discuss the postulates for Monday's Geometry class or how boring the week's Noli me Tangere's topic was.

I became too cool at the last quarter of the schoolyear that I turned him down. He was no member of the varsity-team. 'Know, just a church-going, soft-spoken, teacher's pet, Math whiz dork.

Nine years after -- skidmarks, lashes and a fair share of ego-boosts. I can't say I've seen and heard it all, but what I have seen and heared should be enough for now.

Nine years and four empty tequilla shots after, I find myself being consoled, reminded to be strong, build a higher fence because deceit is deceit.

This is quite unique. I am a big fan of candor. You know how people admit and own up to their mistakes. Your eyes light up because you know you are exactly, relatively the same. Imperfection as our only common denominator.

The night is aging and before the car door opens, you realize that this candor was actually a warning against the same person, against myself perhaps. Imperfection as our only common denominator.

This is getting trickier by the minute. Dumbness gets an automatic x-mark on my book. I can't believe I have to cross out uber intelligence now because it comes before manipulation in this mental spectrum.

Perturbed, bedevilled -- when the right one comes along, with the right intentions and I just simply wouldn't believe anymore.

The sum of all the angles of a parallelogram is always 360 degrees -- that's a fuck. Walk away.

2009-02-03T03:12:00.000-08:00

Clothespins, blankets dancing, grass crackling tickle my toes. Separate white from colored clothes. Fold it neatly, sleeves tucked, jeans hung.
Wash the rice three times, pot always better than damn rice cooker. Distal crease of the middle finger marks the water level
Cross your legs all the time, pants or skirt, keep a hanky in your pocket
Be early in the market to only get the freshest meat, fish, greens. Be loyal to one booth, watch the scales
An hour devoted to prayer, every single day. Whisper your heart's desires
a packed lunch, ready to be placed in my bag
a twenty-peso bill at the top of the television, paperweight
a yellow pad for our weekly letters
a table set at 7, 12, 7
you told me that I would definitely win the Math Quiz bee in 1st grade, so I better get some sleep
you stared at me when I first donned a shoulder bag, said you can't wait till I get to highschool
you were always the prettiest during awarding ceremonies, kept my medals where you kept the jewelries
I was the kid who played, ate, studied, slept, without a care in the world.
Thank you for that time.

Happy birthday grandma, my only mommy. I know you're watching over us and I only want to make you proud. Miss you...

2009-01-30T02:17:00.000-08:00

J'ay Desiré Cent Fois
Pierre de Ronsard

J'ay desiré cent fois me transformer, et d'estre
Un espirit invisible, afin de me cacher
Au fond de vostre coeur, pour l'humeur rechercher
Qui vous fait contre moy si cruelle apparoistre.

Si j'estois dedans vous, au moins je serois maistre
De l'humeur qui vous fait contre l'Amour pecher,
Et si n'auriez ny pouls, ny nerfs dessous la chair,
Que je ne recherchasse à fin de vous cognoistre.

Je s¸aurois maugré vous et voz complexions,
Toutes voz volontez, et voz conditions,
Et chasserois si bien la froideur de voz veins,

Que les flames d'amour vous y allumeriez:
Puis quand je les voirrois de son feu toutes pleines,
Je me referois homme, et lors vous m'aimeriez.

Baby KoH

2009-01-01T07:40:00.000-08:00

jhols23: maganda yung video...wag ka makinig sa isa dyan ingit lang yan kasi di nya magawa..hahaha..congrats sa video its nice.. (I'm sure this is the tulay who chapperoned during the eyeball, sobra maka defend sa video si jHols eh)

plugged1608: i appreciate..mganda!..ahehe (barkada nila to)

ceryhill1000: hahahaha.......kahiya talaga?...baka ma discovered ka sa hollywood i heared that meron silang gagawing remake..THE PLANET OF THE APES!!,..HAHAHA..congarts na lang kung makuha ka nila...im gonna be your no. 1 fan..if ever happens...hahahaha (CONGARTS! baka ma discovereD sya, sali kita sa spelling bee, I'll be your no.1 fan din, if ever happens lang ha)

lorenzfunk07: Nakikinud k lng.... Slide sh0w q 2 wala ka paki (Hala, nagalit na si Lorenzzz, wala ka nga naman paki, slide show nya 2!!! Mind your own business, scratch your own galis!)
***********

I have been spending way too much time in the province (we can see that). This is what happens when you are only given 2 options in life: a. to be a kapuso, b. to be a kapamilya. Cannot stand Willie's melodramatic antics. Classic Wowowee moment:

Willie: Ano gagawin mo sa pera kung manalo ka?
Contestant: Ipapagawa ko po yung bubong ng bahay namin kc po yung tatay ko tricycle driver lng (sobs, weeps)
Willie: Ok, goodluck sayo anak, dito sa wowowee, nais namin ay makatulong. Anong talent mong inihanda para sa amin?
Contestant: Sasayaw po ako ng Jumbo Hotdog! (then he dances an upbeat novelty song, quickly wipes the tears, smiles for the camera while dancing, that's what I call a sudden shift of emotion =), wala ako masabi, pare he-bi)

So I told my cousin, rather begged to switch it to channel 7:
Vic Sotto: Sinong "T" ang tinaguriang Queen of Telenovela na gumanap bilang Marimar at Rosalinda?
Contestant: DINGDONG DANTES!!! (boung ningning nyang sinabi name ni dingdong. Eh dinig nya "D" eh. Bakit ba??)
Joey: T nga eh!
Contestant: Ah, Tal-ya (pronounced in that manner)
Joey: TA-LI-YA naman, parang pinabili mo lng ng suka eh, Oi! Tal-Ya, bumili ka nga ng suka!

*************

I finished early with my chores (did I say that Inday resigned because she eloped with her boyfriend from the vulcanizing shop next door) so we decided to go to "the mall". Again, we only have 2 options: a. SM Pampanga, b. Robinson's Starmills

I had to go to the customer service section of National Bookstore to trade a book I purchased an hour ago. The lady, with her uneven blush-on, made me wait for 7 mins to listen to her conversation over the landline with her friend:
NBS lady: O tapos, anong oras tayo mgkikita? Hindi ba natin isasama si...yiih! baka naman ispin nila gusto ko pa sya...
The losing my patience me: Excuse me...
NBS lady: O, mamaya na lng, may tao (thank God, she noticed!?!)
The losing my patience me: Papalit ko tong book, eto yung receipt, eto ung book na papalit ko.
NBS lady: Dun ka pumunta sa cashier kung san mo binili yan.
The losing my patience me: Ayan oh, sarado na. (Grrrr...)

She rolled her eyes and got the mic to call the cashier lady in-charge who was leisurely chatting with her boyfriend right outside the store. God, grant me serenity for the things I cannot change.

So we took the jeepney because grandpa was too busy playing mahjong to drive us. I was seated beside a teenybopper who was relentlessly texting. Forgive me but I got curious, perhaps bored so I peeked =) It was -=Baby KoH=- she was texting with

Ooops,sorry =)

Mighty Ducks

2008-12-18T19:48:00.000-08:00

My favorite so far from Tolle's a New Earth:

Two ducks got into a fight, which never lasts long, they will separate and float off in separate directions. Then each duck will flap its wings vigurously a few times, thus releasing the surplus energy that built up during the fight. After they flap their wings, they float on peacefully, as if nothing happened.

If the duck had human mind, it would keep the fight alive by thinking, by story-making. This would probably be the duck's story: "I don't believe what he just did". He thinks he owns this pond. He came to within five inches of me. Next time he'll try something else just to annoy me, I'm sure he's plotting it already. But I am not going to stand for this. I'll teach him a lesson he won't forget. And on and on the mind spins its tails, still thinking and talking about it for days, months.

As far the body is concerned, the fight is still continuing, and the energy it generates in response to all those thoughts is emotion, which in turn generates more thinking. This becomes the emotional thinking of the ego. You can see how problematic the duck's life would become if it had a human mind. No situation or event is really finished. The mind and the man-made "me and my story" keep it going.

Everything natural, every flower, every tree, every animal have important lessons to teach us if we would only stop, look, listen. Our duck lesson is this: Flap your wings -- which translates as "let go of the story" --- and return to the only place of power: the present moment. It is the field where the game of life happens. To be one with life is to be one with now.

The night I became the hottest girl in the club

2008-09-21T07:55:00.000-07:00

...that is because I was the only girl and even if I become Giselle Budchen-gorgeous, no one would really pay attention. Story of my Saturday.

I reckoned it will be a great idea to have this pool party at my condo rooftop to make use of the 'association dues'(I'm not really sure who they are associating us with) and I haven't had a lot of visitors really since I moved.
More importantly, it is my ex-boyfriend turned bestfriend's birthday party where only a select few were invited. You have to fall under a specific demographic and a specific shirt length (that is always the giveaway, have you noticed?, an extensive knowledge on the latest about tennis and a perpetual online presence.

The guests started arriving at 8:00 pm. The queen was really proud of the colorful vodka jell-O shots he concocted. Food was great as expected. Music started with some r&b and transitioned to just Rave all throughout. Dylan even bought disco lights which he sneaked out from the Pinoy Dream Academy set.

You know how they would say that gay people (there I said it!) are exceptionally smart, talented and successful? I coudn't agree more. I was getting a crash course on investing 101 from my favorite lawyer and the banker. Invest in insurance as early as possible, the price increases with age (makes sense). Make use of my news overdose by investing in stocks especially now that all the arrows are pointing down since there is no other way but up in this turmoil. Invest in a condo unit (like the Serendra pre-sells) first with a constantly increasing value than a car which depreciates..right.

Old couples unite, new couples made, the mockery, the alcohol. It was a night of laughter until party pooper Manong did his annoying rounds at 12 midnight. So I had to squeeze everyone in my pad to get ready for GOVERNMENT for MARIAHthon! (God, I only have 3 Mariah songs in my ipod, thank God for that greatest hit album that we constantly played back in highschool).

Government -- feast your eyes on extremely good-looking, blemish-free (where are your pores, people?!) guys who smell really really good. But that's as far as you go. You could squeeze into the crowd and dance like crazy without the worries of being physically harrassed. I have accepted the fact, since embracing THIS world, that the possibilities of having an uber hot boyfriend are very slim. Someone painfully good looking is just two things: an asshole or gay (somehow, the two are connected, but let's not go there for the sake of the young readers)

I slipped on my LBD for very particular reasons. If I wear the usual jeans, shirts and sneakers, I might get hit on by the L-worlders. Secondly, I would not like the trannies to look more put together than I am. So if you ask who the hottest girl was in the club last night, I would, in the name of my great ancestors grave, with 100% faith and confidence, let lightning strike on me twice, so help me God...it was definitely me ME.

To my 40+ orange mocha frapuccino girlfriends, life's a party so let's dance the days away! You bring out the woman in me (um...well, not sensually but the giggly, pink dress-wearing person) and I'm proud of y'all :)

No smoking at gas stations, merman.

Between the Lines

2008-09-14T04:25:00.001-07:00

A good song is a sung poem. Lines that my mind and wits can never conceive in a million years. Who thinks that way? Simply put, a brilliant song makes me feel smart and stupid at the same time.

The favorites:

Across the Universe (The Beatles)
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru deva om

Praying for Time (George Michael)
The rich declare themselves poor
And most of us are not sure
If we have too much
But we'll take our chances
Because God stopped keeping score

Cannonball (Damien Rice)
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon
stones taught me to fly

Title and Registration (Death Cab for Cutie)
The glove compartment isn't accurately named
And everybody knows it
So I'm proposing a swift orderly change
Cause behind it's door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm

Ghetto Gospel (2pac)
When I write rhymes I go blind and let the Lord do his thang
But am i less holy?
Cuz I took a puff of blunt and drink a beer with my homies
Before we find world peace
We gotta find peace and end the war on the streets
My Ghetto Gospel

Handbags and Gladrags (Stereophonics)
They told me you missed school today
So what I suggest you just throw them all away
The handbags and the gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy

A Worm's Life (Crash Test Dummies)
Then I was plucked from thw wet slime
And dropped in Tequila
I lay in a stupor for sometime
And one fine night I was gulped down in a shot

Drops of Jupiter (Train)
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know youre wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Screaming Infidelities (Dashboard Confessionals)
Your hair, it's everywhere
Screaming infidelities
Taking its wear

Schism (Tool)
I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication

And yes, there's more. Words are words and we will never run out of them. It's not a matter of using big words. It's choosing the words that will go together to outline a train of thought or to create accoustic chaos. A brilliant song makes you feel smart and stupid at the same time.

Collide

2008-09-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

So here we are again, the constant struggle on whether or not I'll do Pampanga this weekend, it was a no-brainer not so long ago. Systemic desensitization is exposing yourself to the source of fear until it affects you no more.

I wish it was August again but I am also wishing for December. People are always likeable at beginnings. The tumult not-knowing and the recurring ailment of putting your best foot forward, I call it the perfume-wearing days, and so we all agree. You can never be too comfortable, eh.

I bet on my 13th month pay that gramps will start calling in an hour or so, "So what time are you coming?". He has this newfound barbeque session obsession, the cliche family outdoor 7th Heaven-like postcard actvity. It's fun though but I get so full that the urge to smoke kills me. Then you get a message from a stone-cold brother, the entire condo for himself, can smoke, drink, party anytime..."You must be having fun" (thanks...)

Still no confirmation for this life-changing event that should have happened 3 weeks ago. Come on! This is torture. Something's gotta give, so I believe. I am cynical of Byrne's The Secret -- I have conceived this inside my head and acted as if I already have it, then I look at my empty hands. Gotta have that highly-recommended, highly sensationalized Tolle book, A New Earth to gain some new perspectives. They're getting a little too obscolete now.

I am missing someone but I am not sure who, it's hard to discern when several people made you feel the same feeling at different circumstances and at different points in your life. I placed that one and only photo of Billy and myself from 6 years ago in the fridge, in that cutesy Universal Studios magnetic frame, my brother asked why, "I dunno, I just like remembering how I was at that time". Then I visit my soon-to-explode inbox and revisit Ant's ridiculously sweet, oftentimes nonsensical messages or Good Luck Chuck's grammatically impressive, carefully spaced, professionally-sweet messages (???) why? "I dunno, I just like remembering how I was at that time". Habits that make me smile and frown all at the same time. But then again, you just find yourself doing what you're supposed to, daily demands. And yes, I know that personal feelings don't matter after all is said and done. Not to them, not to me. I get it.

I am happy that I have been praying more lately. I reckoned that maturity of faith is not dependent on what you feel today or how life will treat you tom. I must admit, I have been praying out of my frustrations that it's just too much to handle for my tiny soul. I will get there.

It all began with my indecision, I still am.
I'm too strong for this, lemme get my bag.

Numb3r5

2008-08-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

You meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.

All in a day...

After 6 long years of not being in contact with her, I've met with Jessica, my college bestfriend. The feeling felt the same as if the time interval was my 15 minute wait by Seattle's. We had 2 hours to update each other of what had happened in that span of time. I was the baby then, Jess was the older sister that I would always ask the most trivial questions like how to cover a kissmark. First day in college, first day away from home, and I was 15 years old, she was 18. Same pretty face, strong-willed lady who always, always saw the good in everyone. Jess taught me that someone as backwards as me back then can swim. And so now we begin again and now we're on the same page.

Opened my ym, Billy was online, UST's quintessential heart throb, haha. The first person who made me the envy of all the girls in school (leap from the geek market), the first person who broke my heart big time. He taught me that relationships are not necessarily to be labelled. That you do not have to be committed to be connected and how that set up could be so misleading in the long run. Will always be the person who would remind me what kiddie butterflies in the stomach felt like, how to be flustered and how to have the worst Christmas of your life. Now he tells me, in ym that he is in San Francisco, we didn't even have a proper goodbye. Perhaps our last goodbye ages ago was him telling me that I do not deserve the kind of relationship that he wanted to settle for at that point in time. It took me a while to fully grasp that, but now it is completely understood because I found myself having the same feeling towards 'others'. I have fully grasped it because it set the trend for the next quasi-relationships that followed. It's all good now that we can just laugh about it. Starcrossed for keeps. We'll see come December -- where we are now and what we can become, not necessarily together but as people or friends or whatever.

This is officially the 4th day that I am not in touch with someone that I was in touch with for the most part of the day for 2 months or so. Am I happy? No. Will I be fine? Yes. With the familiarization of one another's daily routine, with the prediction of what you think is predictable because of what has been unconciously established, it is human nature to gain a sense of attachment or expectation. And if you are weak enough, gain a sense of ownership (you're in trouble now). Then the routine changes, for some reason, and you're frazzled. People don't let us down, expectations do. This in particular, I don't want to entertain in my thoughts yet. Too fresh.

This is officially the 2nd day that someone tells me that he misses me when he had me hanging around for a significant number of months in the not so distant past. I do not forget. For what reason, I don't want to know -- I might not like it if it's the truth, I will not buy it if it's a lie.

This is officially the 4th day that one person from 8 years ago tells me that he is coming home real soon and I should show him around. Ironically, this message was sent upon the friendster status was changed to Single.

The 4th day that someone from 8 years ago as well and is already with someone bugs my friend in CA for my number. .

Miguel calls this the annual EX Olympics, I call it it that sucky part of being single that people just come up to you with whatever intentions they may have for the obvious reason that you are available. Bottomline, I am giving nobody the benefit of the doubt.

The fleeting and the convenient is the story of mounting the cork board with staples.

The End

2008-08-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

Wicker Park – Josh Hartnett, Diane Kruger (Paul McGuigan 2004)
That airport scene where they swim among hundreds of faces and footsteps. Hartnett finally finds the unaware and hopeless Kruger, stares at her in disbelief. Imagine being separated from that one person you long for by a series of events intricately woven by an obsessed, borderline psycho third wheel, played by Rose Byrne. Emotions well displayed that you just want to get inside the tube and feel that seemingly first embrace. There is no tomorrow.

Dirty Dancing – Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey (Emile Ardolino 1987)
In commemoration of the 20th anniversary of this hit flick that made Swayze a household name. Who could forget the song, the old school choreography with the liftings that paved the way for Alma Moreno and Ate Vi's tangga days. Lol! Owe it to brilliant choreographer Kenny Ortega who also did High School Musical, believe it or not.

A Space Oddyssey - Keir Dullea, Gary Lockwood (Stanley Kubrick 1968)
Bowman finds himself in what I would interpret as the limbo in a dimension, a time or space anonymous to mankind all because of a mysterious monolith. A dimension decorated with Louis XVI, seeing future versions of himself. The beauty of the ending lies in its unfathomability and openness to interpretation. Beauty in the eye of the beholder. Starchild gazing at the Earth.

Once - Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova (John Carney 2007)
You may find yourself saying, “That’s it?.” Yes, that’s it indeed. Two individuals with both dysfunctional lives, victims of fate, of people, of circumstance – brought together by an expected feeling of emptiness, boxed in an environment conducive for ‘falling’. They chose not to, but decided to put the broken pieces of themselves before they met each other. No expectations. Meeting someone in passing who would lead you to what will last and suddenly, you’re whole again. And the Oscar winner song goes, You have suffered enough and warred with yourself, it’s time that you won. They both did.

Dancer in the Dark - Bjork (Lars Von Trier 2000)
Low-end, hand held digital cameras to complete the documentary-style ambiance that was well delivered. I couldn’t find the right words to describe Bjork’s performance when she was about to be hanged, holding her son’s eyeglasses. It’s an eerie mixture of fright, empathy, extreme sadness with pride and exultance. The young lad needs the eyeglasses no more, but I didn't want to look.

Pride and Prejudice Keira Knightley, Matthew Mcfaden (Joe Wright 2005)
Biased because I am a Jane Austen fan. Two headstrong people, whose defenses got that best of each other. Stripped off the pride and prejudice by the moonlit fountain in Bingley’s paradise.

Mr. Darcy: What endearments am I allowed?
Elizabeth Bennet: Well let me think..."Lizzie" for everyday, "My Pearl" for Sundays, and..."Goddess Divine", but only on very special occasions.
Mr. Darcy: [Chuckles] And...what should I call you when I am cross? "Mrs. Darcy"?
Elizabeth Bennet: [Smiling] No! No. You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy"... when you are completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.
Mr. Darcy: [Snickers] Then how are you this evening... Mrs. Darcy? [kisses her forehead]

Conspiracy Theory -- Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts (Richard Donner, 1997)
Lauryn Hills’ Can’t Take my Eyes off you playing in the background. The under rehabilitation and under surveillance, ‘ reprogrammed’ Gibson passes by Roberts, riding a horse. Somehow he managed to get the message across. Very sneaky indeed. Geronimo to that! Someone’s watching over you.

High Fidelity -- John Cusack (Stephen Frears 2000)
Cusack on his quest to seek closure from college girlfriend Catherine Zeta-Jones, one night stand with ultimate hottie Lisa Bonet, only to find out that it will all lead him back to his impartial relationship with Laura, played by Iben Hjejle. The film ends with Cusack saying that he finally knows what a relationship is all about as he begins to make a new mix-tape for Laura. The rest are fantasies and reality may seem dysfunctional at times, but it works.

Trainspotting -- Ewan McGregor, Johnny Lee Miller, Robert Carlyle (Danny Boyle 1996)
Early the next morning, Mcgregor pulls the bag of money away from a sleeping Begbie, like enough is enough, eh. Renton looks at Spud, who is awake and has seen everything but does not wake the others. Renton leaves and vows to live the stable, traditional life he described at the beginning of the film as he walks through London in the sunrise. When Begbie awakes he begins to smash apart the room in rage -the last time Begbie is seen, he is preparing his knives as the police bang on the door. In the final scene, Spud later finds £2000 left for him by Renton in a locker. Never too late to clean your act -- choose life.

***
determining factor: rewind button. Yes, I do that until I suck the life out of the ending and suck all the emotional responses out of me until it I reach a state of apathy. The end is where we begin.

A Tribute to the Fishtank People

2008-08-16T02:45:00.000-07:00

I renounce my throne. I am not holding office in that godfather-like desk with 7 drawers that I cannot find any use for. The exaggeratedly high back rest of the matching dead gray swivel chair that causes my upper back and neck pain. The desk that attracts the office people whenever they have issues like there a sign somewhere that says Grievance committee.

I have officially moved to the fish tank!!! A modest desk that accomodates my laptop, my notebook and my mug. All I need =) I can play my music with only one person complaining now, no one bugs me that much because I have isolated myself and faced the wall. It's a discreet way of saying Fuck off, There is nothing I could do, It wasn't my decision, It's not my job, I don't turn water into wine, etc etc.

Best of all, I get to spend more time with my favorite people in the office (the word favorite is an overstatement since they complete the management team, nothing much to choose from)

HR -- my LL (Lesbian Lover). Greets everyone Good Morning in a manner that only she could do. It's a rising intonation with a giggly ending. Painstakingly computes our receipts and takes smacking with a blank face. She cooks the best sinigang and shares the same sentiment with me about turn-ons -- the bridge!!! wahahaha!

Training/Quality -- he's all miscellaneous departments rolled into one with an occassional one-man staff. A certified homophobe and my pabaduyan and palumaan ng songs showdown enemy. Ging gang gooly is our favorite LSS!

The I.T God -- everyone else gives me headaches about business casual dressing for 3 days. I would pay to see him wear jeans and sneakers. The guy who pactically lives in the office and moves really well with techno music. I guess it's an effect of the tiny, blinking lights in the server room. Time for some E! haha

Shift Mgr -- The activist aka Ka Roger -- knows the Labor code from cover to cover and knows everyone in the industry in a networky fashion (She is the manager of the cousin of the owner of...) Employee's rights defender and our source of out of this world Tagalog terms like 'umama' for baby daddy (what the hell...)

Team Lead -- The Rugby boy. Suffers from chronic short term memory loss. Make sure that you speak to him in such a manner that the deliverable is discussed last. The only person with a special checklist and a table planner that's stuck on the month of July.

It's a dysfunctional yet functional set-up, pretty much like THE OFFICE. The boss is a hybrid of Steve Correll and Meryll Streep from the Devil Wears Prada, only he wears Nike. The other boss is Don Vito, in his subtle ganstah ways can scare someone in one sentence "...So I could still call you bro...". We also have Patrick Swayze -- the HR director who is now officially a 'ghost'. The uber boss, Tony Montana is behind the scenes...like Big Brother of some sort, watching over us. Amen.

Neolithic Pseudoscience

2008-08-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

The ant sensed the depression because the clock ain't being kind. The hands seemingly move a little bit faster on Sunday evenings.

The constitution is in black and white and it is what it is, every line synonymous to acceptable but not here. Did I just say that shelteredness is non-habitat dependent? Well, different things said in different circumstances.

We wanted to see each other for the last time today. I pretended to be asleep at 8:00 pm to have an excuse to get up at 11:00 pm. Waking up intermitently and living on cat naps is a habit I have established with the old ones and they are getting the hang of it. It took time though. I sleep between grandma and grandpa as a declaration to the rest of the household that I am the favored one. Being the princess has its pros and cons and it is working to my disadvantage this time.

11:00 pm, everyone in my house is in a state of deep slumber, I bring out my notebook to pretend that I will be spending the next hours checking my 'inbox' in the dining table. The ant is waiting by the gate but I had to stall him for 10 mins because I have to turn on the laptop and do my oscar-worthy performance for a few mins in case gramps checks.

So I sneaked out, left our front door open, told the dog that I'll be back in no time. We walk the fastest when taking that straight 2 minute artery from my house to his house. We will pass like 10 houses, all of which are either our relatives and/or dad's friends. But that's not our problem right now, it's a little past 11:00 pm and 90% of the ten-house population should probably be asleep.

PHASE 1: CLEARED

Talk and laugh like kids in the moonlighted castle. Circles of light decorate the pillows. We were babbling about his mom's comical addiction with feng-shui and all that new age stuff and how the fortune-teller would always say that he is the most hardworking among the siblings. The creases in our palms, how a bed should be placed in reference to the door or the sunlight.

Four hours went by just like that. Problem with these people is sleepin early means waking up early. Does anyone here watch the Colbert report for crying out loud? "Early to bed, early to rise, makes you a loser!!!." I could post that here and be stoned to death or be tied on a tree and be bitten to death by ants -- real, big, red, ruthless ants!

Wake up, ant, it's 3:00 am. Have to be back before anyone is awake, especially gramps who wakes up with the dropping of a needle. It was a leisurely walk down the spiral stairs, an easy escape is what we though it was until we realized that his dad is already in the living room, sitting infront of the computer. It's 3:00 am for Christ's sake! We sighed and said our favorite word, stress...

We have to think and we have to think real fast. We cannot open the front gate because of the loud screeching sound of rusted metal against metal which will surely signal his dad to step out and check, or maybe even bring a shotgun, thinking someone is trying to break in.
Five minutes of trying to figure something out.

He looked at the three-feet brick wall and looked back at me.

"Are you fuckin kidding me?"

PHASE 2: CLEARED

He is 25, I am 24 and we live HERE ;)

Starcrossed We're not

2008-08-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

It was September morning, stranger and it will be a year soon
same boat, different bends.
the pedestal, now the corner to the outside looking in
days, age, the passing of time, page by page
hair will turn gray and we will stay gray
it will, we will remain a conundrum
unbroken but perplexed

it's about that time
and time is on my side but not everyone, not you
soar through the winds of tranquil
let someone blow you away so you can land to the earth
and find your place an abiding home
Ephemeral, you will fly no more
and i will just watch you without dancing eyes
We will forget the infinitesimal wounds inflicted to one another
cuts from losing you and finding you again, our infinite cycle.
then, and i will finally understand
the art of being tamed.
parallels, with one way ahead
lines will never cross.
But when I know you
I'll finally know me

The two lines are straight.

Payment Plan

2008-08-02T12:59:00.000-07:00

Wish there was a big, black fly in this Chardonnay.

I didn't figure that we were living such a sheltered life in the US until we got here, Mr. Ford commented. I say, home surmounts to shelteredness at a certain degree. It really doesn't matter where you are. Martini bar conversations.

I agree, however, that it is all the same banana regardless. You go to work to earn a living, take care of the kids, mesh with people you like and dislike -- that's just how it is, eh. Only the small things make a difference now, like the number of Krispy Kreme stores in Dallas vs Manila, one's political stand or addiction to whitenng soap -- trivial things that make the mundane 'life routine' experience a little bit more personalized.

I stuck seven business cards in my purse, this morning they are all gone. The sad part is, I am really not sure who I gave them to in this afterparty. Five are untraceable because so far, only 2 people called me. Whatever happened to the Russian guy whose name I cannot even pronounce. Table is abundant. A name is a name. And I have emails to send on Monday but I'm not sure who to send them too. The other self is starting to take over now after three glasses of wine and whatever shooter manages to find its way to my hand. Pool of faceless people, smiling at me. I wonder what's in everybody's head at one given minute -- "That dress was on sale", "So they are together now, but what about?", "Where do we go next, this is boring", "What else can I say to sleep with her" -- popping the thought bubbles. It was the typical, zany party where everybody loves everybody and everybody smelled and looked nice. Everybody is special, therefore no one is, especially not me.

Validation. She sent me a message but I didn't want to answer. She was calling now to ask how badly she behaved last night. Um, nothing, you just said you love me on the overture and we were both on a dress. It's all good, just be more careful next time, it was a fun night for what its worth, no more unneccessary washroom trips please.

Today, I am in a funk. All dazed and confused. Fun ain't no fun and I gotta go back to basics. Shelteredness is nonhabitat-dependent. There would always be someone, something sharp trying to pierce through your moral bubble. I am not turning around, looking back.I will read my alphabets again for starters. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be better. Traces. Firefly. I hate butteflies.

Here Comes What?

2008-07-10T02:25:00.000-07:00

I was never aware that there is a bunch clean-living, health buff freaks who jog every Sunday in Salcedo. I finally blended with the surroundings in a corporate attire and my inseparable notebook. I can do after-work rendezvous. I can now say, OMG, rush hour! My reticluar activating system, responsible for our sleep-wake cycle, does not struggle too much in releasing Melatonin simply because I get to sleep at night.

So this is what you call NORMAL, Welcome to the day shift!

I had a pathetic one-on-one rockband showdown with Clock. I thought I'd do pretty well singing This Ain't a Scene by Fall Out Boy, since I can sing the song with my eyes closed, apparently not. I actually scored higher singing a song I heard for the 1st time, Here Comes Your Man by The Pixies, well, it's cute and simple enough. Never bite off more that what you can chew, ayt.

Ok, enough Rockband. It's Xbox time (Were we using the Xbox or the PS3? Not sure, hard to keep up). Again, I sucked and all I did was to strategically stay behind Clock to protect my tank from the bullets cuz of course, just like any other computer game, your number of lives are limited. I was hoping to see green shrooms = 1UP or collect 100 gold coins. Very backwards indeed.
I was struggling with the get on and get off the chopper move. I can see Clock's frustration; "Ano ba?? Dito ka na nga lang sa likod ko!" I never felt so mocked. Lol! We didn't get pass through Area 2and we were not willing to repeat the entire thing.

Movietime! We decided to watch a Japanese horror flick -- the Silk, with a 20-minute apperance from San Tzai (not so sure about the spelling) of Meteor Garden. And of course, just like any other Jap horror flick, people die in terror with disfigured faces, more often that not, the mouth and eyes are wide-open, cadaver gray post-mortem. Reminds me of human anatomy dissection days. I was preparing myself for fright...but the scary scenes were just way too predictable. You just know it's coming: The background music changes, the camera comes closer, the lead character turns back, and BOO! I screamed several times though because Clock would startle me in my unguarded moments. Hate it.

For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity -- Jean Dubuffet.

And another one from Freud:

Every normal person, in fact, is only normal on the average. His ego approximates to that of the psychotic in some part or other and to a greater or lesser extent.

Should I be bothered?

Without the Champagne

2008-07-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

Noel Gallagher in 2005 claimed that he still has not made up his mind as to what the song is actually all about, though he thinks it might be about reincarnation.
After last night's get together with my highschool friends, it might actually be about it. How we can all be born and reborn.
I remember buying this album because it's a personal favorite of the 'new kid' in school that I was trying to impress. Back in the braces and boy cut days, you gotta do what you gotta do =) Of course, he went with the girl who owned all the fast food chains in our town.

My servicemate doesn't collect multi-colored Jolina clips anymore but LVs. The highschool valedictorian aced Indiana University med school, married a Fil-Am and just got back from their honeymoon in Hawaii. A dreamer just dreams and she never dies.

The bombshell is now a lesbian. How many lives are living strange...

The 'new kid' ain't so new anymore, well not to me. The unspecial also suddenly become special. What an asshole this dmrbone was. Leaves early to escape from taking out the trash so I end up doing it, walks casually on the dirt that I'm trying to sweep. Sucks to be one of the CLEANERS!!! He was into the bombshell. But all that changed...Ehem...How many more times would we categorize people as special or, for the lack of a better term, ordinary. Is the world changing or do we just see it in a new light? It's still the same person, same name and same face that you meet at the halls 8 years ago for 4 years.

But the world is still spinning round, and with that spinning, you might just find something that's worth keeping. The platonic, turned romantic and found its hard stop on platonic finally has been the perfect formula for great friendship. Takes me back to Woodside where I would just rant to dmrbone. 'Pick me up in Greenhills, let's drink'. I'm already hammered when he gets there after waiting by the parking lot for an hour. He didn't even get his fair share of alcohol because I'll just sleep it off but be excessively mean first. 'So, you have a job a million guys would die for?'. I can be really inconsiderate sometimes to the people who would always take me back. In all fairness to me, it's just payback time!

All we cared about was making sure that you do not have the same black, leather shoes with anyone, that you have the latest Grant Hill shoes for the intramurals, how cool it is to be in the last section because the base grade is lower, learning curve higher, wishing the Angelus was shorter because it takes away a significant amount of minutes from your lunchbreak. The old nun, Sister Patty did a great job making sure the school clinic is malingerer-free. We were just passionate about winning those field demos that we didn't care if it means friendship over with our friends in the other class. The war is ON!

My summer Crash Bandicoot buddy has a grown-up, 'celebrity cut' now. He has toned down from being loud, rowdy Mr. ants in the pants. He still has this bad habit of texting every 5 mins askin where I am...from the condo lift, tollgate, expressway, until I send the words that would make him stop; 'Ok, I'm home', and he's right at the doorstep. Our dads are gambling buddies which gives him the easy access. People believe that they're gonna get away for the summer, I liked the summer nights more, they're limitless and borderline day. They could only last so long and we were just a bridge apart. I guess people really become more introverted when wind of settling blows.

My two bestfriends are now moms. Faster than a canonball, no chance for recuperation, the side table with the photos and the books is now the crib. The sleepovers are very different now, they are unacceptably rare but longer.

We we're caught in between the wood shavings for us to assume a shape the makes sense somehow, the boulders from the landslide that gave us our bones. Some grew horns, some grew wings. Some edges were made sharp, some blunt, it all depended on the kind of bubble that entrapped them, us.

Bonehead Arthurs cried during the recording because he was overwhelmed with the beauty of the song. In May 2007, NME magazine placed "Champagne Supernova" at number 39 in its list of the 50 Greatest Indie Anthems Ever. It's my ultimate highschool nostalgia.

I haven't tasted champagne back then, nor did I ever get high.
Where was I?

2008-07-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

This song has been playing in my head for 7 mins for the past relatively countable days. There can never be more than one LAST.

May I just say that Paolo Nutini is hot, reminds me of Momo.

Default Contents of Balikbayan Box

2008-06-26T22:22:00.000-07:00

1. Folgers coffee and coffeemate
2. Hanes t-shirt
3. Pistacchio nuts
4. Fruit of the Loom socks
5. Kirkland vitamins
6. Towels (take note: cotton USA)
7. Spam
8. Pringles
9. Vienna Sausage
10. White rubber shoes
11. Enquirer tabloid (back issues)
12. Shirts screaming California or I love NY
13. Hershey's miniatures
14. Nesquick
15. Kool-aid
16. A dozen of dial soap
17. Finesse and white rain shampoo
18. Aquafresh toothpaste that comes with a free cutting-edge toothbrush (tongue cleaner, engineered bristles, et. al)

Keeps me Grounded

2008-06-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

Bits and pieces of coming home:

* Had to get a 2x2 picture as a bank requirement. My dad and I went to the famous Lodie's photography, est 19forgotten. The old, bulky camera's flashbulb is busted. Usual commands from the photographer, " Keep your back straight, tuck your hair to show your ears", tilts my head to get the perfect angle.

Pictures on display -- a very healthy bride wearing a tubetop wedding gown, trying hard to look candid on the beach, people on the background trying harderrr to look candid. The groom obviously wearing lipstick and blush-on.

I told the camera man to specifically remove the tie and dye blue backdrop that looks horrible!

* My dad driving me, stopping every 3 meters to say hi to his friends/relatives -- yeah, everyone is related in the province. (You're the niece of the nephew of the bestfriend of the sister-in-law of...and it goes on and on...I won't even attempt to draw a family tree)

* Grandmas forcing you to eat at 7:00 am for breakfast, 12:00 nn for lunch, 7:00 pm for supper. Don't forget the snacks in between. I would pretend to get rice to avoid the long-winded conversations about gaining/losing weight. I don't know why they would always have this notion that Manila is a very horrible place that expedites the aging process, increases the stress, alcohol, and nicotine level.

Don't forget all the endless reminders; "Don't get married yet", "Do you have a boyfriend?", "I'll introduce you to the son of the cousin of my neighbor's son who just got back from blah, from the US Navy, earning blah, really smart, with a very nice stance and posture (yeah, the old people are really big on postures, it's like the basis of your worth as a person...I'm not sure why), I used to date his father when we were in highschool but your great grandpa was so strict...and there goes the Sampaguita pictures stories again about traditional courtship, kissing behind the bushes, elopement and what not.

* We still have the same street/block name. Our town is a straight stretch, I don't understand why they had to subdivide it into blocks. While the other blocks are named after acceptable-sounding flower names like Purok Orchid, Yellowbell, Waling-waling, I find it very unfair that we are called Purok Campupot -- the name just sounds so freakin ugly. I was so close to inverting the sign -- the other side is Gumamela, that's why. It doesn't stop there. We are the very first house that marks the beginning of Purok Campupot -- freakish luck!

Imagine what I have to put up with during our town fiesta! Two occassions that I would be home and I'll just be surprised that my dad has committed to the Mayor that I will be the muse for freakin Purok Campupot -- that he has arranged Tita Vanj to do the hair and make-up (he/she has been the family 'stylist' since time immemorial and it has always been the signature small curls and cake foundation that I have to wipe off secretly before the parade!) I just want to bury my face especially when I see my highschool classmates. Wave, throw candy (the kids would call you UGLY if you don't throw candies) , get a big round of applause when I pass our house, all my relatives watching with the handycam cuz they would send the tapes to our relatives in the US.

At least my female cousins got a fair share of the humiliation -- one cousin of mine had to wear a sequined, moss-green, Imelda style gown. And she had to walk! At least I had a garland-and-crepe-paper decorated float, with my name on a white cartolina! Hahaha! Read this Joan! Lol!

* My dad complaining about our neighbor's mango tree. The trunk is outside our fence but the tree per se it is inclined towards us. He relentlessly complains about sweeping the falling leaves. One time, he confided to me that he secretly tried to kill the tree by pouring a pail of water with salt in it -- apparently, it didn't work.

Some things will never change. I just love it! =)

Btw, I forgot to mention that our help's name is Inday and she gets shit every morning from my dad for being at the neighbor's house too much for the morning gossip. Very original indeed.

Today's LSS

2008-06-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

The whites, the antiseptics scent, tiles and stainless
I despise the whole baby talk drama so quit it
No need to be extra nice and gentle, it's all good
Praying for time, I'm in desperate need of time
I have promised – to be the next female president
that I wanted to be a poet at 9 and not a lawyer – he thought it was ridiculous
that he will have green fields beyond the eye’s reach
that he can go to the casino every single night, win and lose all the money he wants
I want to stay, watch every single waking hour
The bed is too narrow but I am not moving a finger, so sleep sound
The needles pierce my bone…never thought we would ever need that
I look at you and I have to smile, there are walls and doors for the episodic breakdowns
I want to go...the promises
The moment I have been dreading, the battle against time – the dim lights, people coming in and out, the fucking fruits, conversations you’re not allowed to hear, plan B, C, D, phone ringing relentlessly, selfish pricks and people making a scene
I don’t want to be right here, right now because of everything that goes along with it
But I want to be here, every minute, for the reason of you.
Sleep is a waste of time, instant coffee is underrated, nicotine-free for 2 days.
I have no fancier words to describe this – I’m sad, it's unreal. Nuff said.

24 Thoughts

2008-06-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

my 23rd -- lemme quote myself from last yr "the best i've had so far" -- we'll see about that...

**bits and peices of useless/ful things I've picked up from the year that was..

1. That I still the have same old tendency to overtake myself, the girbel is worst than ever and I have the worst body static in the office now.

2. That my new threshold to determine if a person is interesting enough is now at 15 mins.

3. That I have my own religion -- I do not know what you call it. All I know is I want to be useful to the world. The most blissful moments would be my whispered prayers and my complete surrender tactic when you have exhausted all human means possible.

4. That the day after is always the most crucial.

5. That a fancier term for being an asshole is defense mechanism and vice versa.

6. That sometimes you have to take 2 steps backward to be able to move forward.

7. That old friends are always the most reliable, non-judgmental...like home, they would always take you back. I had to move from Manila to Makati. Bobs, who had been pampered all his life with the nannies and the drivers took 2 trips back and forth to help me move my stuff. I'm thinking it's the 1st time he had to carry a dusty, industrial fan against his white shirt. He did it with a smile, I didn't even had to ask, all it took was Chinese food! Miguel, on the other hand, is in charge of taking my old, thick college books back to the province, all it takes is Expressway Starbucks. I'm blessed with good friends.

8. That convenience relationships are band aid solutions, they would never stop the bleeding.

9. That you have to let go of life's fleeting pleasures to find one lasting thing -- it's all about trade-offs.

10. That you cannot be too trusting because the world is screaming ulterior motives.

11. That there was never a single day I had to go to work.

12. That medical certificates should be randomly checked.

13. That there is no such thing as a perfect action but a perfect intention.

14. That there are countless generations before us -- meaning all possible problems occured and resolved, you just have to find the answers somewhere.

15. That people have a way of keeping you at a very safe distance so you gotta be very careful.

16. That my highschool crushes who just ignored me when I didn't even bother brushing my hair are not that crushable anymore. Lol!

17. That at the end of the day, it's how you connected with someone, forget about the physical attraction, the fine dining and everything on the surface -- it's the times when you laughed your hearts out, cared, the 'i knew you'd say that' and 'i know what you're thinking' moments.

18. That I love grandpa so much

19. That the world has bigger problems and I am a tiny piece of sand in a whole stretch of shore. Everything is a fragment of a perfect masterplan. I just need to know the role I partake. So just breathe and calculate the Earth's surface area, the total population and think Madagascar or Galapagos Island.

20. That talking about something you have no knowledge of is an exaggeration of your own worth (except poker)

21. That you have to constantly define yourself instead of letting others define you. Otherwise, you'll find yourself stuck somewhere you don't belong.

22. That silence is golden -- it's the best form of torture, the best form of learning -- listen more.

23. That there is no use looking at someone else's backyard -- it is the root of all insecurities.

24. That it's time to stop the drama now and say that I wanna get RIP, ROARING, FRIGGIN HAMMERED on my birthday like there is no tomorrow! :)

A Tribute to my Couch

2008-05-26T18:59:00.000-07:00

Galleons sailing a million seas
A carpet ride, a surfboard
They say, I’d rather sit on a pumpkin alone than be in a crowded hall
She is my pumpkin
On my back, I sail the ceilings, I dream of Louvre, of mom, Mr. Bingley, the Fiennes brothers, college street food, a crazy road trip to nowhere, love, rage, WNBA, Ivy League, Greece, a name I’d name myself, a new haircut or image, me, someone, being someone else
On my right, I see a face and the hellos
On my left, I see the door, shut, the walking aways, the goodbyes
People are always purest with hellos and goodbyes, the truest of emotions, devoid of the in betweens
Pumpkin is white, I know it doesn’t add up
But she knows, she knows.
The last time, the first time
The scent of spilled cheap tequila and wine
The scent of last night’s perfume
Tiny specs of foodstains, tears and coffee as the hangover remedy
Lavender or peppermint for the weekly spa
Indeed underrated for what practically is my tiny universe, my fateful
I get up…only to find out that I’m still the same person
Hello world. The door has been opened then locked again.
Until then. Until change.

The A-List

2008-05-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

spoon, fork, screeching against the china. nail on a chalkboard. nail on galvanized iron. high pitched, cussing, long, red-nailed woman. multi-colored headlights, windows down, screeching wheels, skin head, oakley-shaded, oversized shirt/muscle shirt overspeeding guy. pink against green. lemon air freshener. peas. undecided pedestrians, yeah, take your time and let's do the cha cha! the he said, she said BS, clags and platforms, made up lyrics (sounds like, eh...), att instead of at&t. missing spaces in between sentences. crumpled bills. the typical poveda chick accent ( manong, mgkano ang fee? -- to the fx driver). hanging wires. the smell of cake foundation! mismatched sheets. the sneeze that didn't come out. hiccups while smoking. bindi the jungle kid. long-winded stories about people you don't know. waking up with someone else's alarm! service elevator or the ugleevator as i call it. im so cool i won't join you or i'm so cool i'll be late. why are you having fun and im not cuz im so cool. slow walkers. boyfriends carrying their girlfriends' purses which is the size of a wallet (i simply don't get it). rats. pinoy rappers. men in cycling shorts. hahaha. high waist jeans. show bands. 50% of the menu list not available. saleslady following you around. ordering blue cheese burger and the waiter asking 'is it ok if the burger wouldn't have blue cheese?' oh yeah, this is based on a true story, my goodness. the rhia sisters as an excuse for bein absent -- diarrhea and dismenorrhea , why not try traffic or flu this time...it's actually catching up now =)

this is the classic product of boredom and neurosis -- my list of annoying things. lol.

Bumming Around

2008-05-12T13:16:00.000-07:00

Messy hair down. Perfume still lingers. Worn out shirt and sheets. White. Drapes. Stripes and buttons. Rainy day. Stamp’s still there, notebook on the floor. Check check check, week is over. Coffee, tea, depends. Windows open. Today’s show. Window’s close. Lay. Fridge to the microwave. Magnetic Board. Phone. Doorbell. Bills crumpled. Who paid last night? Smoke? Depends. A movie. Laugh. Book. Couch. Lay. Movie? Depends. Another book? Depends. I can read it out loud. Barrett-Browning. Smoke. Lay. Laugh. Windows open. It’s dark now. Shower, no choice. Goodbye. It’s good to be useless sometimes. Useless yet perfect. Life’s Ifs.

Beaute' + Colore et Bliss

2008-05-12T06:20:00.000-07:00

From black and white photos of Tour Eiffel to blinding fireworks display for the Chinese New Year. Yohji Yamamoto and his take on monochromes -- you should never be caught dead wearing 10 different colors at the same time for it destroys other people’s visual peace. But what does that make of Emilio Pucci and how he would treat a fabric like a canvass, anything goes from paisleys to prints. It could be a letter – LV, YSL, J to tha LO. Mozart, Van Gogh, Giselle Budchen. To make a list of everything that we regard as beautiful is the exact underestimation of it. We ain’t seen enough yet and never we will. I’ll give it a shot, from a 9th floor 35 square foot pad perspective – tiny piece of sand from a whole stretch of shore.

- it’s the first glimpse of one’s face upon waking up. Devoid of the cover ups, the boots with the fur (LOL), the sequined dress…recovering from the dream that took you at the top of the pyramids, repair, rejuvenation, rest and repose. It’s the first glimpse of the sun and the kiss of the virgin morning breeze. Send your prayer to the wind, in the hopes that they whisper it to God’s ear , “I am just happy to be alive” -- truth

- it’s old books, brown pages, with several names/owners on the front cover. Stories within a story. Could have been someone's most priced possession, handed over the generations. Could have been the real diary of Anne Frank. The eyes when we did not see -- time

- it’s a messy birthday card that you have to flip and turn because your friends and colleagues just tried to squeeze everything in! The smiley faces, the sarcastic and sweet remarks, wishes for love, health, happiness. It just gets you. -- sincerity

- It’s the white worn out shirts, chucks, faded jeans – the no-brainer outfit that you just pull out of the closet when your bestfriend relentlessly beeps so you’ll get your ass down for a kebab. Don’t’ forget the little girl sorry smile at the passenger’ seat =) – little acts of forgiveness

- It’s flying kites with grandpa, nothing fancy. It’s just a piece of the morning paper that he could masterfully turn into a piece of soaring, moving art. Gray stands out really well against the blue sky. I run, I’m invincible, and even if I fall on my knees, I know someone would nurse my wounds. If we could only have the same kind of assurance as we grow old, it would never be a lonely planet, no icequeen, no cold hearts, less walls and more bridges. -- fragility

Places to see before I die – majestic Louvre, blue, white and the openness of Greece, long train rides (Hogwarts style, maybe), a wedding proposal in a lighthouse somewhere, ain’t too bad either. So little time, nothing has been checked yet. For now, what I know is true, a thing of beauty is that one place, one time, so perfect that the rememberance of it hurts, that’s the day we flew kites.

Our moments are finite.
Colors are mere concepts
I could call red red or blue red again
Thoughts are our only true possessions
Feelings are gold mines
Bliss is just is.

Strength of Character

2008-05-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

“ If you don’t stand up for something, you will fall for anything”

I was never a big fan of definitions. It happens in different ways in people. Every definition is just a fragment of an intricately woven series of events. We can never tell to which drop of water the drowning man lost his breath.

Hitler never failed to amaze me and the whole NAZI fiasco that redefined the world. What about trained assassins? Programmed to kill because someone defined what is right for them and took that lead. How will they be judged? What about cults sacrificing lives for the Gods and a good harvest, like that brilliant Mel Gibson film Apocalypto.

There are universal truths beyond our realities that's why I have always believed in inner discernment. Otherwise, there will be no love, no hatred, no laws. Inner discernment that led Einstein to say that e=mc2. he just knew it existed, proving it followed. Eventually, it became a FACT that was printed in scrolls—manuscripts—books—worldwide web. Research methodology says that a closed loop research is something that could be duplicated -- under the same circumstances, would yield the same results. If the more confusing stuff like love and loyalty worked the same way, there would be no gray areas.

Loyalty is overrated. If you believe in me so much, will you eat dirt if I tell you to? (The kite runner). We will always be let down, not because of people and what they promise us but because of our expectations.

I’d say, to resolve the confusion, it makes a lot of sense to be loyal to one's self You do not just conform without analyzing, what does that make of you as a person? It is human nature to always find a way of asserting itself, one way or another. Mistakes are humbling experiences, who has a perfect past, anyway. At least in the end, you can say that you were not like a piece of coconut that fell from the tree, tossed around by the waves until it reached the shore. Control the tides and find the shore where you could fully blossom into a sturdy tree, not easily shaken by the strong winds yet useful for everyone.

We will be tested more than once in this life. There are no right or wrong answers in this diverse universe we live in, but to get to the closest to what is right – inner discernement that could might just be humanity's common denominator.

Sometimes, you just know.